Thousands of self-help books have been published offering guidance to men and women pursuing romantic relationships. With so much help at hand one might have thought that this generation would be experiencing the most fulfilling relationships ever. The reality however is that the divorce rate is at record levels and single motherhood is now virtually the norm. So where have we gone wrong? What is the magic ingredient that can lead us to fulfilling and sustainable romantic relationships?
Interestingly God leads by example when it comes to romantic relationships – indeed the whole romance surrounding the giving of the Torah (which we celebrate early next week) is fascinating. Our rabbis tell us that the day of the giving of the Torah was like a wedding day between God and the Jewish people. The fact that the giving of the Torah is likened to a wedding is remarkable.
It was a whirlwind romance: God took the Jews out of Egypt with wonders and miracles and then split the sea for them. He provided them with Manna from heaven as food, a cloud of glory for protection and an inbuilt lighting system in the form of a pillar of fire for night time travel. God went the extra mile to look after His bride, the Jewish people, and gain her trust. God never for a moment thought that He had an automatic right to the loyalty, love, appreciation and dedication of the Jewish people – it had to be earned -even by God. This is reflected by the fact that in the first of the Ten Commandments God says: “I am the Lord your God who took you out of Egypt.” In asking the Jewish people to enter a marriage type partnership with Him, God had to state what earned Him the right to this relationship
When God was ready to make the agreement with the Jewish people and give them His Torah he did so in a way of compromise. God descended upon Mount Sinai from His abode in heaven and Moses, as the representative of the Jewish people, ascended the mountain to meet God half way. God realised that if there was ever going to be a long-term relationship between Himself and the Jewish people there would need to be give and take on both sides. And it was God who took the initiative and made the first compromise by descending from heaven.
Popular wisdom maintains that nothing can come in the way of love. People assume that as long as there is real love between two people the relationship will flourish. They are therefore surprised that once the initial excitement and novelty of the relationship wears off problems creep in. The reality is that love on its own is not good enough – one must be deserving of that love and earn the other person’s commitment and loyalty. We must follow God’s example and realise that nothing in a relationship should ever be taken for granted.
Compromise is another fundamental in a relationship. Many people today have a notion of independence and they feel that relationships should be liberating. Whilst true to some extent, this philosophy can have a nasty spin-off. Believing that their careers and personal ambitions should be pursued at the expense of all else, people are then surprised when their relationships fail. The prototype relationship between God and the Jewish people instructs us that a fulfilling and sustainable relationship requires an attitude of give and take. And rather than being stubborn and waiting for the other person, we, like God, should bend first.
Following the lead of the Divine master of romanticism this summer is guaranteed to enhance our own relationships.