Most of us experience minor ego struggles on an almost daily basis. In conversation we often find ourselves disagreeing although deep down we acknowledge that our interlocutor has made a salient point. For some reason we are resistant to their argument_when this happens one can be sure that the ego is in the driving seat. My father, of blessed memory, used to tell me that logic is very often not the answer to problems. ‘People often don’t act in accordance with logic, ‘ he would explain. I have seen this in practice when counselling couples experiencing relationship difficulties. When the ego struggle intensifies and a row breaks out, when one party’s ego has been dented, all logical arguments go out of the window. The disagreement is no longer about who is logically right, it now transmogrifies from a conflict of ideologies into a battle of egos.
In a most profound statement the Sages (Ethics of the Fathers 5:19) defined the battle of the ego as an argument that is not for the sake of heaven _ meaning disputes that are not detached from the personalities that are engaged in them. The example given by the sages of an un-heavenly ego battle is the mutiny of Korach and his followers against Moses (Numbers Chapter 16 in this week’s Torah portion). A careful reading of the Korach mutiny narrative offers deep insight into how to deflate ego battles.
We can divide the beginning of the story into four parts:
Firstly, Korach confronts Moses and Aaron together with two hundred and fifty men from the children of Israel and says to them, “You take too much upon yourselves, for the entire congregation are all holy, and the Lord is in their midst. So why do you raise yourselves above the Lord’s assembly?”
In the next part the Torah tells us that, ‘Moses heard and fell on his face. ‘
Following on from this, Moses proposes a competition in which God would be the judge. Moses tells Korach and his men that the following morning they should take censers and place fire and incense on them and Aaron would do the same. The man whom the Lord chooses by accepting his incense will have won the competition and is the accepted holy one.
This however was not the end of the dialogue. After having set out the rules of the following day’s competition, Moses tries a different tactic. He reasons with Korach and his people saying, “Please listen, sons of Levi. The God of Israel has already distinguished you from the congregation of Israel to be near to Him and to perform the service in His Tabernacle and to stand before the congregation to minister to them. He drew you near, and all your brothers, the sons of Levi with you, and now you seek the priesthood as well? Therefore, you and your entire company who are assembled are against the Lord, for what is Aaron that you should complain against him?”
The history of the ego is a deeply unpleasant one. Millions have sacrificed their lives for it, it has shattered families and broken hearts, it has been the main cause of war, famine, poverty and murder. Like it or loathe it however, egos are a fact of life, they have always and will always be with us. All we are able to do is learn how to limit their capability of mass destruction.
At first glance it seems as though Moses had acted out of sequence. He should have first reasoned with Korach and then, when that failed, he should have offered an opportunity for a competition judged by an outside arbitrator _ God. Why did Moses offer the competition first and then reason with Korach later? The answer is very simple but incredibly meaningful.
When an adversary confronts us because we have hurt his or her ego, the first thing to do is listen and demonstrate that one has heard the problem. Indeed this is what Moses did: ‘And Moses heard and fell on his face. ‘ The Torah could simply have said ‘And Moses heard and was upset. ‘ The fact that the Torah tells us that Moses ‘fell on his face ‘ indicates that it is important to actively show that the other person’s argument has been heard.
The next stage is to depersonalise by taking one’s own ego out of the equation so that it can no longer be considered an ego battle. Moses achieved this by offering the competition with God as the judge. After hearing Korach’s argument, Moses immediately capitulated, saying in effect, that he had no problem with Korach becoming High Priest instead of Aaron, but that God should be the arbiter. Once Moses as a personality was out of the equation, the ego battle lost its fuel and Moses was able to implement stage three – using logic to reason with Korach. It is now clear why Moses had to offer the competition first: in order for logic to have any chance of working, Moses’ personality had to be removed from the argument.
So the Korach narrative offers us a three-step plan for dealing with our everyday ego struggles:
1. Listen. Demonstrate actively that you have heard the other party.
2. Depersonalise. Take your own ego out of the equation by either depersonalising it or
by offering to defer and be bound by the view of an independent third party.
3. Logic. Now that the ego has been removed the discussion can return to a
battle of ideologies rather than a war of egos and logic can be introduced.
Although steps one and two are incredibly difficult to put into practice when confronted by a vociferous and passionate opponent, we can take inspiration from Moses. If Moses, one of the greatest leaders in history, was able to do this, then surely we can too. Ultimately, the ability to rise above ego battles is a decisive sign of greatness.