Make A Real Relationship

Life is all about relationships. We have work-related relationships, we have acquaintances, we have friendships, familial and intimate relationships. Maimonides, one of Judaism’s greatest scholars, wrote that man is a social animal. We have no choice but to interrelate with other people. It is relationships with others that allow us to achieve things in life. Without relationships the human race could not perpetuate itself. For any business to succeed there needs to be a relationship between two parties _ a buyer and a seller.

But more than anything else the human being needs to have friends. We need people to communicate with _ we cannot be content living in a vacuum. Studies by Rene Spitz and others have shown that when infants are not handled for a long period of time they fall into irreversible decline and are then much more susceptible to fatal diseases. Psychologists too have long argued that people need positive social interactions to remain healthy.

But how can we be certain that people like us for ourselves and not because they have something to gain from the relationship? Lord Palmerston, the famous 19^th century British Foreign and Prime Minister, said that nations have no permanent friends or allies, but only permanent interests. Is this true on the world stage only? Or is it also true of interpersonal relationships?

Some time ago I was visited by a person who used to be extremely wealthy. Unfortunately he lost all his money in a ponzi. scheme He came to the sad truth that not only had he become penniless but he was virtually friendless as well. When he had money he was popular and people really seemed to respect him, but now that he had none his old friends no longer seemed to have time for him.

This fact was much more hurtful to him than the loss of his wealth. The most wonderful feeling a person can ever have is to be appreciated for being themselves _ not because of material wealth or intellectual brilliance or the vibes they give off, rather, just because they exist, and are qual to all other human beings. Nothing more and nothing less. How often do we feel like telling another person, ‘I appreciate you for being you, not because of what I can gain from you ‘? How good does it feel to be told that?

This is what the month of Elul is all about. On Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we know that we are being judged in the heavenly court. It is time to repent and become better people so that we can attain a good new year. On Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we personally have much to gain from a positive relationship with God.

The Kabbalists tell us that on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur there is a heightened conscious awareness of God’s presence. Just as the presence of a truly great person automatically causes us to strive to become close to the person, similarly when consciously standing in God’s presence we inevitably feel that we want to be close to Him. We don’t have to make an extra effort to want to become more spiritual during the High Holy days.

During the month of Elul, however, we are not being judged and we don’t necessarily feel God’s immanence. Yet the Chassidic masters tell us that during Elul God makes Himself accessible to us. But the caveat is that we have to recognize Him first and make the effort to get close to Him. Now this is the challenging part.

At a time when we do not feel that we necessarily have any thing to gain from making a relationship with God, it is more difficult to motivate oneself to act, just as it often takes extra effort to form relationships with people from whom we seemingly have nothing to gain. This is the very reason why the month of Elul is the best time to make or renew our relationship with God.

By repenting during the month of Elul we are telling God that we appreciate a relationship with Him for its own sake and for no ulterior motive whatever, not because it will guarantee us a better new year and not because the atmosphere compels us, rather just for the sake of it alone. Kabalistic tradition tells us that this altruistic sentiment creates tremendous pleasure on High. This too ensures that on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we don’t approach God as a stranger trying to make a relationship for our own benefit alone. Surely the best way to visit God on Rosh Hashanah is as an old, true and loyal friend.